~Be patient with yourself and your husband. This is a wonderful and very challenging time. There is a lot of stress, a learning curve, lack of sleep, and a baby does need a lot of attention. Add to that the hormonal changes a woman experiences after giving birth! Things will get easier, and children have the potential to make a couple stronger.

~Leave past problems where they belong. Ask for what you need/want.

Many new mothers want to feel they are in a partnership; they are in this together. They want dads to help without asking. Mothers also really want someone to listen to them, without trying to fix things.

New fathers often want space to do things their own way. Different ways of interacting with baby actually helps baby’s brain, and gives you more skills to draw from. Babies unquestionably benefit from having one-on-one time with each parent. Choose what baby chores you are both responsible for, your “domain”- the other can’t oversee, comment or criticize.

Dads also really want sex! He still desires you. For many moms this is at the bottom of their priority list. It helps to find a happy medium.

Moms can remind themselves that getting enough rest, baby care breaks, and exercise all help her self-confidence and decreases her stress. This may allow her to feel like herself again; taking care of herself she really can better take care of others. Dads can help by sharing the parenting responsibilities and perhaps hiring out some of the house work, grocery shop and prepare healthy meals, do little things to show appreciation and love (a love letter/hidden notes, flowers, an unexpected present), and encourage Mom to take care of herself.

~Focus on positives and show appreciation. New moms really need praise and notice. Dads may not understand just how time consuming breastfeeding can be, or that a baby needs attention every 20seconds! They may think it looks relaxing to sit on the couch all day, without realizing how lonely and intellectually numbing it can be. Dads need to be noticed and appreciated for going to work; they feel

~Make time for each other- connect on a personal level. Don’t talk about baby. You are taking care of your baby by taking care of your marriage.

~Develop a support network. This is the time to receive help not give it. Find other new mom friends.

Ask family for what you need; involve them in ways that supports your marriage. Develop healthy boundaries such as: your new family comes first, respect your spouse and do not criticize (and require the same from your family), support each others' parenting choices over keeping peace (unasked for advice/out of date opinions can be dealt with by saying “My doctor says” or “You did what you thought best, I am doing what I think is best” or “This works for us”.) If problems arise on your side of the family, you should be the one to talk to them.

Recommended Books:
BabyProofing Your Marriage by Cockrell, O’Neill and Julia Stone,
and  Baby Makes Three by Gottman

If you weren't active during your pregnancy, or tapered off your fitness routine as the weeks went on, start slow and check with your doctor or midwife before you begin exercising. Exercise is good for you, but keep in mind that your joints and ligaments will still be loose for about three to five months, so don’t push yourself to hard. Your body needs time to heal, and you need time to adjust to your new role and to care for and bond with your baby.

For many new moms, exercise takes a back seat to other concerns — sleep, for instance. But you'll find you have more energy for yourself and your baby if you make time for even short bursts of exercise. Ten minutes here and there is better than nothing, and it'll do you good. Being active helps raise metabolism, shed extra weight, provide much-needed energy and helps reduce stress and tension. The key is finding an activity that you enjoy and that works with your schedule and lifestyle.

Some ideas to try…

Go for a daily walk with your baby in a sling or stroller.  This can be nice to do alone or with a friend.

Check out local health clubs. Many offer postpartum exercise classes suitable for new moms — as well as day care and even classes you can take with your baby.

Swimming is a great postpartum exercise! It is gentle on your body but involves all of your muscles.

Yoga has some gentle poses can be a great way to get your blood flowing while reducing stress. It can be done at home following a video or just looking the poses up on line. There are also some great postpartum yoga groups, many you can even take your baby with you!

Kegel exercises can help strengthen weak pelvic muscles, which can cause bladder control issues, which are common in women postpartum.

Exercising with a ball can be a fun way to approach fitness at home. 
 
The important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself and follow any doctor's orders. Make sure you're eating a healthy diet, particularly if you're breastfeeding (which may require up to 500 extra calories a day). Stay well-hydrated and don't give up. Fitting in exercise may be hit or miss as you adjust to your new life and baby. So do the best you can and focus your energy on taking care of yourself and your baby.

The following is a story that has moved through many e-mail boxes in the last few years. A doula friend of mine pointed out that it can be used to remind new moms how to take care of themselves (more on that after the story)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A  professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items  in front of him.
When  the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and  empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf  balls.
He  then asked the students if the jar was full.  
They  agreed that it was.

The  professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into  the jar He shook the jar lightly.  
 The  pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  
 He  then asked the students again if the jar was full.  
 They  agreed it was.

The  professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the  jar.
 Of  course, the sand filled up everything else.  
 He  asked once more if the jar was full.  
 The  students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'  

The professor then  produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire  contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space  between the sand.
 The  students laughed..

'Now,'  said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to  recognize that this jar represents your life.  
 
  The  golf balls are the important things---your family, your  children, your health, your friends and your favorite  passions---and if everything else was lost and only they  remained, your life would still be full.  

The pebbles are the  other things that matter like your job, your house and your  car.

The  sand is everything else---the small stuff.  
 
  'If  you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is  no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  
 
The  same goes for life.
If you  spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will  never have room for the things that are important to  you.  

Pay  attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  
 Spend  time with your children.
 Spend  time with your parents.
 Visit  with grandparents.
 Take  time to get medical checkups.  
 Take  your spouse out to dinner.  
 Play  another 18.
 
  There  will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.  
 
  Take  care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.  
 
  Set  your priorities.
 
  The  rest is just sand.
 
  One of  the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer  represented.
 
  The  professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'  

The Beer just shows you  that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always  room for a couple of Beers with a  friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, how is your “jar” filled?

Top 5 self care items for new moms

1. Sleep- opportunity to nap, rest

2. Nutrition- the car won't go without gas!

3. Companionship (besides the baby)friends,family, relationship

4. Exercise/recreation- releases endorphins, helps moms lose  weight, helps self esteem

5. Selfish pleasures-- mani/pedi, massage, alone time, a bubble bath,free time to do hobby or read, time with girlfriends, a "night out"  with spouse, etc.

start with the basics…

is baby hungry?  Does he need to burp?

Does the diaper need to be changes?

movement…

hold baby and bounce as you walk

put baby into a swing

cradle baby in your arms facing out, and  jiggle

noise…

white noise can be soothing to baby

turn on the vacuum cleaner

use a white noise machine

make shushing noise into your baby’s ear

snuggle…

try getting skin to skin under the covers

put baby into a sling and wear him

swaddle baby

could baby be gassy?

Lay him across your knees on his tummy and rub his back and you softly bounce your legs

Use baby gas drops

bicycle his legs while he lies on his back

 Go outside… A change of scenery can be distracting enough to calm your newborn's cries.

Give baby a massage…Some babies find stroking soothing.

 Check the temperature in your house… Baby could be too hot or too cold.

Check baby's clothes… Hot, tight, or confining clothes can cause fussiness